Life Sweetest Word

10 years ago, this month, we weren't in good place.

My dad had his first heart attacked. It was an aggressive attacked, resistant to heart operation, and there was no guarantee of success.That year, I was 16.

When everytime dad admitted hospital, everything that comes and goes, I sit and make myself remember it all.

I remember the bleakness. I remember driving through rain, towards the hospital, walking through a car park littered with leaves. I remember the smell of the corridors. The sounds of the machines and medicines. I remember having no joy in my spirit.

I remember trying to live - one day at the time. Having to concentrate on just getting through that single day. It was too painful to think about the future, or life. I would crumble at the thought of how the little things would never be the same - a family picnic in the park, a trip to the beach, a cup of tea at a cafe.

I remember thinking that I might lose my dad. That I would be sitting in our house, with every single object around me, reminding me of the one I love. That I might forget his face.

I remember the sheer focus and mental discipline that was needed to stop myself from going mad. The thousands of terrible and depressing thoughts, raining relentlessly in my head, images I couldn’t stop, clouding my view, gripping, choking, dragging me down to that deep, dark place.

I remember faith. Holding on to this really huge floating thing that kept my head above the water. I wasn’t exactly sure what to do with it, nor why I was doing it at the time, but it was big, much bigger than me, and it worked.

I remember the helplessness. I remember I couldn’t do a single thing to change anything. Nothing. Just hopelessness. Emptiness. And heart-wrenching sadness.

Then I snap out of it. I sit back from my reverie, and I think, Oh my God, how did I escape that one?

Did it really happen? Is this real? Am I REALLY sitting here with my dad and mum? With everyone smiling and laughing and happy as can be?

Why did things turn out like this? What on earth did I do to deserve it?

I’ve come to realise that the words “fate” and “destiny” are meaningless to me.

Whereas I discover one of life’s sweetest words - grace.

It heals all that is broken inside me, and makes me want to change my life. To live the best I can. With purpose. With significance. With gratitude. With happiness.

Happy Father's day to all of you.

And dad, I love you.