Me, Myself and Me Time

Hey sorry to all my followers, I knew that I seldom blogging lately.

The other day, I've received a warm and caring oversea called from my beloved god brother. And that I realize I've been losing contacts with the outside world. Rarely online msn, no blogging, not even updating anything in facebook. Erm..and the worst thing is, I didn't realize it at all!

But no matter how hectic is my life, I always have time for myself.

By the time I was a young woman in my early 20s, I had worked overseas, gone through bumpy relationships, worked hard, partied hard, made friends, lost friends, earned money, spent money… all to realise one thing – that I was all over the place and I needed some stability.

Basically, I had to love myself a bit more.

I had to sit back and remember who I was.

So I slowed down. I learned how to enjoy my own company. How to be by myself.

I sat in cafes by myself. I sipped coffee and ate BLTs. I read books on park benches. I took long walks. I went jogging. I went shopping. I explored new places. Visited art galleries. Went to the beach. All by myself.

I loved it.

I loved the whacky conversations in my head. I loved how my creative juices would flow. I loved seeing the world with my own eyes and hearing my own thoughts.

And most of all, I loved being happy, positive, strong and confident. By myself.

Several years later, I might get married, travel a bit, move house, have children, and starting my new life as a wife and mother. A companion and a nurturer.

Never have I been happier. Yet, never have I realised the importance of ME TIME.

It’s easy to forget that I’m still Jessica.

It’s easy to forget that I once liked things like… kick boxing, Latin dancing, scuba diving, yoga, cycling, rock climbing, swimming..

It’s even easier to forget that, I once upon a time… I wanted to try wind surfing! Canoeing! White water rafting! I want to try a 3 day camping hike in the Australian bush! I want to climb Mount Kinabalu! I want to run more often in a marathon!

Life has been loaded with so much work. But in the other hand, life is sweet, joyful and as great as it could be.

I just love the way how it comes to me.

Life Sweetest Word

10 years ago, this month, we weren't in good place.

My dad had his first heart attacked. It was an aggressive attacked, resistant to heart operation, and there was no guarantee of success.That year, I was 16.

When everytime dad admitted hospital, everything that comes and goes, I sit and make myself remember it all.

I remember the bleakness. I remember driving through rain, towards the hospital, walking through a car park littered with leaves. I remember the smell of the corridors. The sounds of the machines and medicines. I remember having no joy in my spirit.

I remember trying to live - one day at the time. Having to concentrate on just getting through that single day. It was too painful to think about the future, or life. I would crumble at the thought of how the little things would never be the same - a family picnic in the park, a trip to the beach, a cup of tea at a cafe.

I remember thinking that I might lose my dad. That I would be sitting in our house, with every single object around me, reminding me of the one I love. That I might forget his face.

I remember the sheer focus and mental discipline that was needed to stop myself from going mad. The thousands of terrible and depressing thoughts, raining relentlessly in my head, images I couldn’t stop, clouding my view, gripping, choking, dragging me down to that deep, dark place.

I remember faith. Holding on to this really huge floating thing that kept my head above the water. I wasn’t exactly sure what to do with it, nor why I was doing it at the time, but it was big, much bigger than me, and it worked.

I remember the helplessness. I remember I couldn’t do a single thing to change anything. Nothing. Just hopelessness. Emptiness. And heart-wrenching sadness.

Then I snap out of it. I sit back from my reverie, and I think, Oh my God, how did I escape that one?

Did it really happen? Is this real? Am I REALLY sitting here with my dad and mum? With everyone smiling and laughing and happy as can be?

Why did things turn out like this? What on earth did I do to deserve it?

I’ve come to realise that the words “fate” and “destiny” are meaningless to me.

Whereas I discover one of life’s sweetest words - grace.

It heals all that is broken inside me, and makes me want to change my life. To live the best I can. With purpose. With significance. With gratitude. With happiness.

Happy Father's day to all of you.

And dad, I love you.